Transfer went so smoothly on Monday. We transferred one Grade A blast. In the past with my retroverted cervix it has been painful and the Dr always struggles with getting the placement right. The only time that it went this smoothly was when it actually worked…….but think pregnancy just changed things a bit and made it a little easier. I am not stupid. I have been in this position too many times. I can’t compare this time to any other one. I have cycles I was positive I was pregnant that I wasn’t and the one that worked that felt like other failed cycles. I took the day of transfer off but decided to go back to work the day after. I kind of wish I didn’t because that day ended up to be quite stressful. My boss gave her notice which leaves me with one new guy that has been there a month and one other that was leaving two days after my boss and one person who hasn’t started yet. The good thing is it will be an opportunity for me to grow before they decide what to do with the position. I also have not been following orders as far as not lifting heavy items…Coen is almost 30lbs so there really is nothing I can do!
As far as symptoms, I have felt the normal progesterone ones…..on and off cramps, backache and random twinge or pulling feeling, sore boobs etc. I have had these for negative cycles so I try not to obsess about them. (haha! That’s a joke) I did have a sharp pain or two in my uterus one night that woke me but that could have been anything. The past day or two I haven’t felt much. So now the question is when to test. Tomorrow at 5dp5dt is when I got a positive with Coen and it is also our 4 year anniversary. I don’t know if I should skip or test and know it is still early. When you are a POAS addict it is really hard to wait…..
My poor husband has had to bare the brunt of my haywire hormones. I have been on progesterone 4 days now plus the estrace which I have been on for a few weeks. I know I am being….well let’s face it….a bitch but I can’t stop myself. Between the hormones and the stress of another cycle I hardly want to be around myself. My stomach is in knots and I am scared. I feel like I need to cry but I can’t. I have moments that I really think this could be it and then other times I feel like it will fail again and that something else is wrong. We have no reason to believe IVF can’t work for us but because of our track record it feels like it won’t. It is the unknown that is the hardest part. At moments I want to give up, I want to throw in the towel, I want to take the easy out and just stop trying. I know that I won’t give up though. This need/want to be a mother is just too strong. Some days I think this emotional pain almost feels physical. My heart aches.
Saturday I spent the day with my best friend and her 8 month old. The friend that started trying after us. The one that will start trying for #2 this next year. It reiterated that fact of how much I want this. I sometimes am in awe that we have been trying so long. Like we are living in some dream world….or maybe in a nightmare. Don’t get me wrong. I have A LOT to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, a warm home, a loving family, a great dog and friends that truly care about me. So why do I feel like there is a hole….a missing piece? Why am I feeling so empty? OK. I am sure it’s the meds that aren’t exactly helping this situation but I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere. To get it all out. I needed to write that I am so scared of another failed cycle and I am scared of it never working.
On a more positive note….transfer is tomorrow!!! I can’t wait. I feel like we have been waiting for this day forever. Our appointment is at 9:30m and I hope I can get a good nights rest tonight. I can’t focus because of the anticipation! This week should be good. I am working today and do not have to go back to work till next Monday! I hope to keep busy or at least my mind busy by movies, books and anything I can do to keep me distracted. This is it….I am ready.