Transfer went so smoothly on Monday. We transferred one Grade A blast. In the past with my retroverted cervix it has been painful and the Dr always struggles with getting the placement right. The only time that it went this smoothly was when it actually worked…….but think pregnancy just changed things a bit and made it a little easier. I am not stupid. I have been in this position too many times. I can’t compare this time to any other one. I have cycles I was positive I was pregnant that I wasn’t and the one that worked that felt like other failed cycles. I took the day of transfer off but decided to go back to work the day after. I kind of wish I didn’t because that day ended up to be quite stressful. My boss gave her notice which leaves me with one new guy that has been there a month and one other that was leaving two days after my boss and one person who hasn’t started yet. The good thing is it will be an opportunity for me to grow before they decide what to do with the position. I also have not been following orders as far as not lifting heavy items…Coen is almost 30lbs so there really is nothing I can do!
As far as symptoms, I have felt the normal progesterone ones…..on and off cramps, backache and random twinge or pulling feeling, sore boobs etc. I have had these for negative cycles so I try not to obsess about them. (haha! That’s a joke) I did have a sharp pain or two in my uterus one night that woke me but that could have been anything. The past day or two I haven’t felt much. So now the question is when to test. Tomorrow at 5dp5dt is when I got a positive with Coen and it is also our 4 year anniversary. I don’t know if I should skip or test and know it is still early. When you are a POAS addict it is really hard to wait…..
The lack of symptoms has me scared to death. Last cycle with the chemical I had these twinges and flutters at 4-5dp5dt and I knew I was pregnant but this time feels like all the other failed cycles. My body just feels quiet. I really had hope this time with the diagnosis of endometritis and the antibiotic regiment I was put on. I KNOW it is still early and I have not given up hope entirely but I am just feeling out already. I have had no symptoms, no cramps, no pokes or twinges. I only had a minor backache yesterday but that was just from tweaking it some how and I am no longer feeling that. I hope I am wrong. I hope I get to be one of these women that said they had no symptoms during the TWW but this feels all to familiar. I just don’t know how I am going to get through the next week feeling like this. Now I am second guessing what we will do next. Should we go straight to adoption and save ourselves some heartache of more failed cycles? Our next step was to do PGD testing of the embryos but that is still 2 more cycles. One a fresh IVF with a freeze all after testing and then a FET with the “normal” embryos. So that FET probably wouldn’t even be till the summer. I haven’t tested and to be honest I don’t even know if I want to. Seeing a BFN everyday is extremely painful. Maybe I should just wait till Friday or Saturday and test right before the beta. It is just miserable sitting at work trying to not think about that wretched negative HPT that you took earlier that morning. Sigh.
Another snowy day! We have not had too many of these this winter so I don’t mind it. Duncan loves when I make him pose outside in the snow. You can just tell by his facial expression. Ha!
I did my good deed and attempted to drive into work. After about 45 minutes of driving I was only 15 minutes from my house. At that point I said “this is crazy” and turned around and I am working from home today.
This is after I turned around. There was only light traffic heading home instead of that stop and go. But I love the way the trees look after snowfall.
FET #3 Update
Friday came around and I had still not heard anything back from the clinic. I gave them a call because I was on my second pack of birth control and needed refills to make it though the weekend. I left them a message and maybe 5 minutes later I get a call back saying we heard your voice mail and it looks like insurance is approved. Argh. Not sure why they didn’t call me sooner. So annoying but anyway YAY insurance was approved. So my first baseline ultrasound and blood work was Monday and I started estrace that night. I go back to the clinic for a lining check next Friday the 25th. I HOPE my lining is good and we should be transferring January 31st! That’s only 2 weeks from tomorrow! Yes, I have a million exclamation points because I am that excited. This off cycle was soooo long. If this one works come October I will be getting one hell of a birthday present! I so am hoping this one is it. We both finished our Z-packs and I will be on another antibiotic before transfer so I am praying this does the trick and I end up pregnant.
Wish I could come on here and say that I have good news…..unfortunately I don’t. Pretty sure #4 is a bust. After those weird twinges and all my cramps I woke up Tuesday with the worst headache and fever like symptoms. I did take test to see a very, very faint line. I felt pregnant and then something changed. I no longer felt pregnant. My body which had been having cramps, twinges, weird feelings in my uterus just felt nothing. Wednesday I took another test and it was negative. Today negative. Ever since then I am feeling back to normal. Possible Chemical? Maybe. I took yesterday off because I felt sick. I was nauseous, had a fever, sore throat and of course seeing the negative put me over the edge. I could not go in. Today I come in and one of my coworkers asks how I am feeling. I tell her I have had a fever and have not felt good all week. Some asshole over hears us and barks in “Pregnant? Haha” Seriously? As for what is next who knows? FET #3? A fresh IVF with PGP? More Testing? Donor sperm? Adoption? Beta is tomorrow and typically if our Dr is there she will call with the news. I hope she can suggest some next steps. Sigh. Heartbroken.
My poor husband has had to bare the brunt of my haywire hormones. I have been on progesterone 4 days now plus the estrace which I have been on for a few weeks. I know I am being….well let’s face it….a bitch but I can’t stop myself. Between the hormones and the stress of another cycle I hardly want to be around myself. My stomach is in knots and I am scared. I feel like I need to cry but I can’t. I have moments that I really think this could be it and then other times I feel like it will fail again and that something else is wrong. We have no reason to believe IVF can’t work for us but because of our track record it feels like it won’t. It is the unknown that is the hardest part. At moments I want to give up, I want to throw in the towel, I want to take the easy out and just stop trying. I know that I won’t give up though. This need/want to be a mother is just too strong. Some days I think this emotional pain almost feels physical. My heart aches.
Saturday I spent the day with my best friend and her 8 month old. The friend that started trying after us. The one that will start trying for #2 this next year. It reiterated that fact of how much I want this. I sometimes am in awe that we have been trying so long. Like we are living in some dream world….or maybe in a nightmare. Don’t get me wrong. I have A LOT to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, a warm home, a loving family, a great dog and friends that truly care about me. So why do I feel like there is a hole….a missing piece? Why am I feeling so empty? OK. I am sure it’s the meds that aren’t exactly helping this situation but I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere. To get it all out. I needed to write that I am so scared of another failed cycle and I am scared of it never working.
On a more positive note….transfer is tomorrow!!! I can’t wait. I feel like we have been waiting for this day forever. Our appointment is at 9:30m and I hope I can get a good nights rest tonight. I can’t focus because of the anticipation! This week should be good. I am working today and do not have to go back to work till next Monday! I hope to keep busy or at least my mind busy by movies, books and anything I can do to keep me distracted. This is it….I am ready.
My friend who knows what we are going through gave me a very special gift for my birthday. It is a dream box. I have never heard of one before and although I typically don’t believe in these types of things thought it would still be nice to try. You put your fondest dream or greatest desire on a piece of paper and put it in the dreambox. You put the dreambox next to your bed and are supposed to hold it every night and every morning. Who knows maybe it will work and I will see that BFP at the end of November!!!
FET #2 Update
Yesterday was quite stressful. I went in for blood work and ultrasound at 6:45am. There was no change so I knew the cycle would either be cancelled or converted to a medicated cycle. Typically the clinic calls me between 12-2pm with the results but they have till 5:30 to call. So I wait….and wait…4pm rolls around and still nothing. I end up calling and leaving a message. I didn’t hear from anyone until 4:45. Great news….they are putting me on estrace 1mg twice a day and I go back in on Monday for another ultrasound and more blood work. If my lining is at least 8mm than I will start PIO and transfer would be 5 days after. SO I could be doing transfer as early as next Friday! I am not getting too excited because 1mg is pretty low and I may not be up to 8mm by then. Yesterday my lining was at 6.5mm. I still can’t believe we are so close to another transfer. It has been 2 months since my last transfer and it has felt like 2 years. Transfer day just get here soon!
I have pulled myself away from blogging the past few weeks. Hell I have pulled myself away from everything and everyone I know. I don’t even want to be around myself some days. I am frustrated, sad and just ready for this journey to have a happy ending. I think the “inbetweens” are some of the hardest times. By “inbetweens” I mean inbetween IVFs and inbetween test results. Is this a word? Probably not but that’s OK I am allowed to use it. I find not preparing or planning for something is the hardest for me. I find myself feeling a lot more depressed about IF then at other times. I also find myself affected more by all the little things like the pregnant woman heating her food up next to me at work, the pregnancy tests on the end of the shampoo aisle or the fact that every time I log onto facebook it’s another pregnancy or birth announcement. The past few times we have jumped into birth control to get ready for another cycle right after a failed one. This time because of the testing I chose not to take them. When I am not actively doing something I feel anxious and find myself thinking more about our failures. Even if I am just on Birth control pills it feels like I am doing something. Now there’s just a dull lull. Waiting…waiting…..
Well the good news is I finally got some results back. Both me and my husband’s karyotype test came back normal. The biopsy…normal. Now the question is then why does it keep on failing??? Also since this month was my first month taking nothing in six months guess what happens? nothing. No ovulation and I am on day 30. I have called the clinic and they will be putting me on pills to start my period and then we will be going into our FET cycle.
What I am looking forward to
Enough of the depressing stuff. Good News is that I have a short week this week! It has been a rough couple of weeks at work. Very busy but we had Monday off for the holiday and I took off Friday. Yay Me!