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Beta ~ Negative

Well as the title says I got the beta results…Negative.

Things I have learned this cycle

  1. How to do my own PIO shots
  2. How to not faint when getting blood taken
  3. It’s OK to cry… ALOT
  4. The more failed IVFs doesn’t make it any easier
  5. It’s possible for your heart to break multiple times
  6. I respond slow to stims…that’s just the way it is
  7. Blogging has helped me create an outlet to get my mind off things
  8. There are many, many couples going through this heartache too
  9. Not testing out the trigger is the way to go
  10. This journey is going to be longer than I ever imagined

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9dp5dt ~ Beta Tomorrow

I tested again this morning but it was negative.  Beta will be in the morning.  I am pretty much sure it will be negative but always have hope that I will get a nice surprise.  My husband is gone for the weekend for a bachelor party and I know he felt bad leaving but I really don’t mind.  I am just going to focus on me this weekend.  Do some reading, cleaning, cooking and relaxing.  All things that can help me de-stress.  It will just be me and the pooch!  I am going to continue to think of all the positives in my life.  I will grieve and then move on.  I called and made an appointment with the Dr for Wednesday.  I am interested to see what she has to say and what kind of tests we may do.

8dp5dt ~ BFN

Tested this morning pretty sure I was shaking by the time I went back to look at the test.  It was negative.  I am not sure what to even think.  Enough said.

Positive Thinking ~ 6dp5dt and 7dp5dt

6dp5dt

Monday was a really hard day for me.  I was so emotional, upset and just felt like this one failed.  Yesterday at 6dp5dt I woke up feeling better.  Still a little scared but not as sad.  I came home to a wonderful surprise.  He must be a keeper to deal with me (cranky pants) and still give me flowers and a card!

7dp5dt

I woke up this morning at around 2:30am to go pee but when I came back to bed I started getting really bad cramps.  At that point I couldn’t sleep anymore.  My mind was going and the cramps were getting to me.  I finally fell asleep about 4:30 till 5:30 so I am pretty exhausted today.  Even though I am a walking zombie I am feeling very optimistic.  I have still not tested but think I will pretty soon.  It HAS to be positive right?  We have such good chances and third time is the charm!  I can just picture those two lines showing up!

Labor Day ~ 5dp5dt

Happy Labor Day!  It has been a good weekend but flew by like most long weekends!  Today we went up to my sister in law’s lake house.  It is beautiful up there but my heart feels heavy so I probably did not enjoy it as much as I should have.

It was another emotional day….I think the meds, stress and fear of failure are all finally getting to me.  Before we left the house I had a breakdown, snapped at my mom when she called and had no desire to be around people.  I sucked it up and felt better once we got up there.

Duncan loooooves swimming and playing ball so he was pooped out by the time we were ready to leave.

My mother had text me while I was up there saying sorry she got me upset.  Funny it was completely my fault but she knows I am stressed to the max.  I had text her back apologizing and that I was afraid of another failed cycle and living my life childless.  When I got home I saw she had text me back saying “Kim I wish I could rock you in my arms and make you feel better. You will some day be a mother.  I am sure”   Of course this released more water works.  But it is true.  I can’t give up this easily.  Even if this one fails and we need to take some time off we will not give up.  I will be a mother someday, somehow.

3dp5dt and 4dp5dt

3dp5dt

I was up early this morning with a stomach ache and cramps.  Could be the fact that dinner was popcorn and an ice cream bar!  Feeling a bit nauseous and crampy but not sure if those are symptoms or just my body saying “what the hell?”  I am trying not to obsess over every little could be symptom.  It will drive me insane.

It is labor day weekend and I am headed up to my friend’s lake house for the night.  She is home from Colorado so we are doing a little girls day/night with a few other friends.  I think it will be great to get away and try not to worry about all that is going on.  I went to the store this morning to pick up some fruit and munchies. I figure if I can bring some healthy snacks I can’t eat crappy the WHOLE time.  So I packed cucumbers, tomatoes from our garden, carrots, celery and fruit.

I am not going to lie.  I have NO desire to be in a bathing suit in front of anyone right now.  I am a stressed and when I am stressed I eat.  Think I am up about 3-5lbs this IVF.  I am doing my best not to beat myself up.  I know if this fails I will hop back on that treadmill and if it doesn’t well who cares if I gained some weight and I can still continue to exercise during pregnancy right?  I know a lot of women out there have an unhealthy relationship with their body.  I am way to hard on myself but I am working on it.  I wish I could just wear whatever I want and be comfortable but I never have been able to.

4dp5dt

Back home from the lake and we had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs which is what I needed.  I haven’t been feeling much so I get this worry in the pit of my stomach that this could be another failed IVF.  I want to be positive but everyone else seems to get cramps, pinches and twinges.  Or they just seem to know that the cycle worked right away.  I WAS told I have a 70% chance so I just need to remember this and try to be positive.

How to keep busy during the TWW

IVF #2 Update

Today I am 1dp5dt (1 day past 5 day transfer or 6dpo) I find by far the hardest part of IVF is the waiting.  You are always waiting for something: waiting to start stims, waiting for blood work results, waiting for transfer day.  I think the hardest wait for anyone is the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW).  This is the time from ovulation to the time you get your old friend Aunt Flow.   For me the TWW is more from transfer till the beta(blood pregnancy) test.  I find myself getting the most anxious at this time.

I was told to sit around for 2 days (day of transfer and day after) and be a “couch potato.”   I do not like being a couch potato.  I get bored easily when just sitting and when I get bored I think too much and get anxious or start eating everything in sight!  I look around at the house which is a mess and I can’t do anything.  No laundry, cleaning, etc.  It makes me feel guilty.

Source

I would rather be out doing something, working out, enjoying the sun but I know it will be all worth it so I suck it up.  The restrictions I have for after the couch potato days is no lifting anything over 5-10lbs, no vacuuming, no swimming, no strenuous exercise.  I find the hardest part for me is no strenuous exercise.  I love lifting weights and working out.  They are my go to for stress relief but I know its only for about a week and a half and I can incorporate it back in after.  Here is a list I have started to keep myself distracted.  Not all of them I can do until at least tomorrow since I am in the dreaded couch potato stage.

Things to keep me busy

  1. Get out of the house if becoming too obsessed
  2. Start a new book(right now finishing up Gone Girl)
  3. Get a pedicure
  4. Go to Library (and pay off the $1 fine I owe so I can start downloading books to my Kindle)
  5. Go shopping
  6. Take a walk with Duncan
  7. Finish writing my business law paper that is due on Sunday
  8. Go through magazines and find workouts to do once I get BFP or BFN
  9. Find new recipes
  10. Cook new recipes
  11. Visit or Call a friend or family member
  12. Go to a coffee shop, grab a decaf and people watch
  13. Go to acupuncture
  14. Watch a movie
  15. Write more Blog posts