Strong Enough

Infertility Woes

I have good days and bad days.  Sometimes I manage to get through a few days with no tears.  Some days I wonder how I will ever get through this? Am I strong enough?  I ask myself am I selfish for feeling the way I do or for sheltering myself away from my friends with children?   Will I regret this?  I am only trying to save myself from pain.  It is a way of self preservation like that video said I posted about awhile ago.  I just got invited to two baby showers last week which I will have to regretfully decline the invite.  No one wants the lady who cries in the bathroom at their shower.   I could probably hold myself together but really all those onesies and baby talk will feel like another twist of the dagger.  Infertility has changed who I am.  For one thing I never used to cry.  Now I am happy if I week goes by with no tears.   It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time.  It has made me put myself first and to stop caring what other people think about certain things.

We had a wedding last weekend.  I have never felt so left out. There were about 5 babies there that were under the age of a year.  Topic of choice was pregnancy and everything baby related.  You can imagine me the infertile sitting at the end of the table pretending to do something on my phone while the ladies all conversed about their pregnancies.  No one looking my way because why would they? I don’t fit in.  I feel singled out.  Even my mother in law said something like “Isn’t their baby so cute?” and then apologized and said she needs to stop saying that stuff in front of me.  I am happy she understands but then on the other hand I am sad as it reminds me of what I don’t have and that we are different.

FET #2 Update

I started Provera Sunday and am only on 5 days of it.  So good old AF should be showing soon.  Tomorrow is my birthday and I would consider it a birthday gift if AF arrived because I know that transfer is that much closer!  We also got the letter approving the FET from insurance so another plus.   I wrote the first part of this post a few days ago.  I am actually feeling better today.  Things should be looking up. This one will work…..it just has to!  Or else I may go off my rocker!

Weekend

We have another Wedding this weekend but this time we are not staying over.  I may have over-served myself last weekend on both Friday and Saturday night.  I am still getting over my hangover!  This is why I don’t drink anymore. Hangovers from hell.  Since we were away the whole weekend I missed out on my early morning gym trips.  I did go early last Friday because I had it off.  There was a beautiful sunrise.  How can you not feel good going into the gym when you see this….

I should be able to make it this for an early morning session this weekend  or at least on Saturday.  I may even try to get the hubby up to go with me.  I have cut back on cardio this week and may continue to do so.  I don’t want anything to ruin my chances for a BFP this cycle!

Blood work and Chocolate Protein Bars

FET #2 Update

I am feeling much better today after yesterday’s horrid biopsy.  I am a bit crampy but overall much better.  I went to get blood work this morning to check my TSH levels and for karyotype testing.  They called me back and said my TSH is good and to remain on the same Synthroid dosage.  Now it is just a waiting game for karyotype results.  Once those come back we can move ahead and redo my day 3 blood work.  A lot to get done before we can even begin FET #2.  I am so impatient.

What I have been eating

I am pretty addicted to Jamie Eason’s Protein Bars and her Turkey Meatloaf Muffins.  They have become a staple in my daily eats.  I find them both great as a go to snack rather then chips or something worse.  The protein bars fill my chocolate cravings too.  I just need to watch out because sometimes I can overindulge in healthy food!  Below are the chocolate ones but I have also tried the carrot cake bars and those are really good too.

The recipe is below for Chocolate Protein Bars but you can also watch Jamie make them here.

Chocolate Protein Bars

Ingredients:
  • 1 cup Oat Flour
  • 4 Egg Whites
  • 2 scoops Vanilla Whey Protein Powder
  • ½ cup Splenda, Truvia, or Ideal (I used splenda but prefer Truvia)
  • ½ tsp Baking Soda
  • ¼ tsp Salt
  • 8oz Berry flavored Baby Food (I used a berry and banana mix)
  • 3 tbsp Baking Cocoa
  • 4oz Water
Directions:
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Mix dry ingredients (oat flower, vanilla whey protein, baking soda, salt, baking cocoa) together in a large bowl.
  3. Mix wet ingredients (egg whites, Splenda, Berry flavored Baby Food,Water) together in a medium sized bowl.
  4. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix together.
  5. Spray cooking dish with a non stick butter spray and add batter to dish.
  6. Bake 20-30 minutes in oven. (My oven is usually 30 minutes)

I make these on the weekend and freeze about half of them.  They need to be refrigerated or frozen as they have no preservatives.

SHG and Biopsy Hell

This morning I went in for a SHG and an endometrial biopsy.  I knew what I was in for since it was my second SHG but did not realize how painful the biopsy was going to be.  I consider myself to have a pretty high threshold for pain but this was miserable.  She did the SHG first and then it was time for the biopsy.  The first one (she ended up taking 3 biopsies) I flinched so bad the Dr asked me what I felt.  I said “Ummm pain.”   At the end I sat up and then it hit…..that feeling that your going to pass out.  I was nauseous, sweating bullets and felt myself drifting away.  I told her that I was dizzy and laid back down.  The nurse asked if I wanted to take my sweatshirt off and I had it part way off when everything went black.  If you have never passed out before you are lucky.  It is the worst feeling.  After I came through I was clammy as hell and my head felt like I got kicked in the head.  To make things better…..I asked about my blood work and come to find out the clinic I went to get my blood work had no information on me.  It was as if I never got it done.  So now I have to redo my karyotype blood work tomorrow and have to wait another cycle so I can do my CD3 lab work because the old ones expired.  So we are now looking at a December FET.  On a good note….Doug got his blood work at the clinic so he actually got his results back….Normal!  So we are happy with that.

I still feel out of it, anxious and a little down from everything that happened this morning.  So I am going to post a pretty pic Doug took the other day to make this post a little more upbeat.

Happy Friday!

I have been slacking on my blogging.  I am starting to come out of my depression after another failed cycle.  Monday will be another sonohysterogram and a biopsy.  We are still waiting on blood work results for the karyotype test and we are not expecting to hear back for a few more weeks.  We are still planning to start a frozen embryo transfer sometime at end of October.  They won’t submit any paperwork till we get our results back though.  Soooo more waiting!  What’s new?  IVF and TTC is always a waiting game.  I am not giving up hope.  As much as I am scared this could never work I still have faith we will get our baby.

I decided to drop the class I signed up for for the Fall.  We have waaaay too much going on.  We have 2 weddings, a concert and my 30th b-day all in October and then the holidays will be here!  I do love this time of year. I just noticed that the first day of fall is tomorrow?!?! Could that be right?  Here is a silly Fall pic from a few years ago.  Yes, I am a tree hugger.  Haha

I keep telling myself I need to put together a list of goals for myself to give me something to focus on.  Especially since I am not taking a class.  Things like eat cleaner and gluten free, try new foods, etc.  I really have no plans this weekend so I SHOULD be able to come up with a list. Here’s a goofy Duncan pic…..Notice the stack of mags on the floor.  Yes, add this one to the list: Go through magazines (I am a magazine addict and hoarder and damn proud of it)

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WTF Appointment

IVF #2 Update

Last Wednesday we had our WTF appointment with the Dr.  She still believes it’s just bad luck and IVF WILL work for us.  We had blood work taken for karyotype testing and I go back next Monday for another Sonohystogram and a biopsy.  I feel like I have lost a lot of faith not with the Dr. but that IVF will ever work for us.  This failed cycle has caused more grieving than the first two.  I always heard most people get pregnant within three cycles.  Now I am scared.  Scared we will never have children.  The emotions that a failed IVF causes are almost debilitating.  I am angry, sad, bitter and discouraged.  I want to believe it will work but I just feel otherwise.  Usually at this point I am very positive and ready for the next cycle.  I am not feeling that this time.  Our next cycle most likely will be a Frozen Embryo Transfer and we are going to do a natural cycle.  We have 7 embryos just waiting so unless we find chromosomal issues we will be going this route.

Something that makes me happy…..fall and pumpkin spice coffee.  I think I am going to put a list together of goals for Fall.  We probably won’t be cycling again till November so I have some time to lose some of this IVF weight and focus on non-IVF stuff.  Operation Get Healthy will be underway.

Good News, Wine and Popcorn….

After the BAD news I got yesterday I thought I would post some good news.

Good News

I found out I got an A in my Business Law class! This is my first class for my MBA.  I just finished my masters in Information Technology in April and with everything going on I thought it would be good for my mind to just keep going.  Also, I got a letter from the clinic that they froze 5 blasts this cycle not 3!  So that means we have 7 frosties waiting for us.  We will most likely be a Frozen Embryo Transfer this next round.  I am not sure if it will be medicated or natural but it probably won’t be till November.

Dinner

A bottle of wine (don’t mind the greasy, popcorn fingerprints)…..

and 2 bags of popcorn (Gross!)

After “dinner” I was craving something sweet so I tried to throw together a concoction to make a single serving cake.

I didn’t let it cook enough so it was a bit flat but I threw some cool whip and chocolate sauce on it and it was pretty good!

I spent my night sort of watching Season 1 of Game of Thrones but was updating my playlist for the gym  in the morning so I wasn’t totally paying attention.  I love to multitask!  Duncan did what he does best.  Sleep!