The waiting game….

Friday Night

I took Friday off since I have a few days to burn up that I can’t carry over at work.  Last night was a late night for me.  My husband, two sister in laws and I went to the Citizen Cope concert in Boston.  My sister in law bought us tickets for my husbands b-day.  Before the concert, we went out for sushi.  It had been awhile since the last time I had it and it was very good.  We ended up getting the boat and there were plenty of leftovers.

The concert was over around 11-11:30 and we did not get home till after midnight.  I had to be at the clinic for 6:45 am and after finally winding down I ended up only getting a few hours of broken sleep.  There are two things that make me cranky (Ok there are probably more) 1) Not enough sleep and 2) Being hungry.  I am too tired to hit the gym and I will probably be really annoying and whine all day how tired I am to my husband who doesn’t understand.  He can function on a few hours of sleep.  I am thinking I will probably go to bed by 10 tonight!

FET #2 Update

I didn’t bother updating on Thursday because we really did not get an answer.  The nurse called and said they wanted me to come back Saturday (today) for ultrasound and blood work.  I asked about switching to a medicated cycle or what the plan was if no follicle started growing to become lead follicle.  The nurse’s answer was “well if you don’t get pregnant than the Dr. will probably want you to come in for a consult.”  Really?  Are you an idiot?  How the hell am I even going to get pregnant without ovulating and/or having a transfer?  Magic?  She then told me to speak with one of the Dr.’s on Saturday when I come in.  Funny….there are no Dr.’s at the satellite office I go to on Saturdays.  Needless to say this nurse was absolutely no help and I was just too defeated to call back again.

This morning we went in for an early morning ultrasound and b/w.  My lining went from 5.8mm to 6.5mm and no change in growth of follicle.  Ugh.  The clinic just called and I finally had a nurse that had a brain call me.  I told her our situation and she told me they want me to come back on Tuesday (CD16) and this would be the deciding appointment.  She said my estrodial is going up but just creeping up very slowly which is why my lining is thin.  She said all we need is for one follicle to take lead and I will just end up having a longer cycle but we can go ahead with the transfer.  That is best case scenario. Now I know I don’t exactly have the greatest luck so I am not counting on this but I am crossing my fingers.  IF estrodial is still low and no lead follicle develops she said there is a small possibility that the Dr. would put me on estrace and switch me to a medicated cycle since my numbers are low (LH and estrodial) but she couldn’t be positive.  Worst case scenario is they cancel.  If they cancel I am not sure if they will make me take a month off and resubmit to insurance or if they can move right into a medicated cycle.  I guess we will get our answer on Tuesday.  So again back to waiting….

2nd Monitoring Appointment….not the news I wanted to hear

FET #2 Update

I woke up this morning nervous for my ultrasound.   The results…..not good.  My follicle did not increase in size and my lining actually went down.  Why? Because someone wants to see how far they can push me before I have a meltdown!  Actually, I have no clue what is going on or what will happen from here.  I am assuming my body is still off because of the failed IVF.  I have always had normal cycles.  I would ovulate late but always get my period every 32ish days.   I think this could go three ways 1) They will tell me to come back in three days and see if there is any improvement 2) They will cancel the cycle and I will do a medicated cycle in December or 3) they will switch me to a medicated cycle. I chose not to do medicated because last time the estrogen did a number on me.

Source

I became severely depressed, distressed and ended up putting on 8lbs that cycle from these insane cravings.  I wanted to go natural this time but more than anything I want a baby so I will suck it up if I have to.  It’s appointments like these that are the hardest.  I want to cry.  I want to give up. I want my life back. But……I won’t give up yet.  Now I wait for the call….

Treadmill Creepers

Random Rant

Have you ever been to the gym and there are about a line of ten treadmills but that treadmill creeper has to pick the one next to you?  I find this happens in bathrooms as well.  There are 15 open stalls and they chose the one right next to you?  I just don’t get it.  What happened to some personal space? I understand  if it is busy and you have no choice but really people?  Is this just me?  I was at the gym this morning and there was no one on the treadmills besides me.  So this woman comes to the one right next to me.  Not only that but she kept looking over.  I am not sure what she was looking at, maybe she was hoping for some friendly competition and wanted to check what speed I was on.

FET #2 Update

There really is no update.  I don’t go in until Thursday but it feels like a lifetime away.  Funny the things you look forward to.  Just like an IVF cycle I am getting anxious for my next ultrasound.  I am praying my follicles are growing.  What scares me is that I just had an annovulatory cycle right after my failed IVF.  I have for the most part regular cycles and now I am paranoid.  Paranoid my lining won’t be right or that my follicles won’t grow and they will have to cancel.  It will all work out I just need to tell myself this.  Oh the emotions….I am just glad we are in the midst of a cycle.  Transfer day will be here before I know it.

FET #2 In Progress…..

FET #2 Update

My ultrasound this morning showed my lining at 6.5 mm and my largest follicle was 10mm.  I am on day 8 so this is pretty good news for me.  I tend to ovulate late so the fact my follicle is 10mm already makes me happy.  They like my lining to be 8-10mm and will trigger me when my follicle is 18mm.  I would say they will probably trigger me in a week or less.  I think after the trigger I will be doing the transfer one week later.  Our frozen embies are five day blasts.  This is all so exciting!  I hope on turkey day I have something really to be thankful for!  I am scheduled to go back in for my second monitoring appointment Thursday!  So many emotions going on right now.  Does anyone else find themselves really anxious during a FET or IVF?   It is like the closer I get to transfer day the more and more anxious and nervous I am.  I wish I was one of those people that when I got anxious I went on some crazy cleaning spree but instead I usually tend to turn to food.  I should see if I can change that this time…..but what would be a good outlet I could do when I get anxious?  Hmmm…..

Hurricane Sandy

My work was closed today because of Hurricane Sandy is on her way.  It is supposed to be a nasty one.  We have prepped….took everything inside or tied it down outside.  I can hear the wind howling outside.  Last year this same week we had a nasty Nor’easter.  The good thing is I am lucky to be home with the fireplace blazing and safe and sound.  Since yesterday was a recovery day I did not do a thing.  So I managed to get some cooking done today.  I made some chocolate protein bars and Jamie Eason’s Monster Meatloaf.  I also came up with a Pumpkin Pie protein shake.  It was pretty good.

Pumpkin Pie Protein Shake

1 scoop vanilla protein powder

A few T of sugar free vanilla pudding ( I bet cheesecake flavor would be good too)

1/2-1 C Milk

Xanthum Gum (for thicker consistancy)

Many shakes of Pumpkin Pie seasoning

Stevia

Lots of Ice

I am hoping we can manage getting through the storm without losing power.  We had cable issues this weekend so I was without internet all weekend.  Not gonna lie…it was painful.  I also hope they cancel work again tomorrow!  I am off Friday so that would make for a very nice, short work week!  I think it is going to be an early night for me.  Snuggling up in bed with my kindle sounds pretty damn good to me.   I better charge that puppy up before it’s too late.

Dirty 30

Weekend

Well it’s Monday and I am still recovering from the weekend.  My hubby threw me a surprise 30th birthday party on Saturday and I partied a little too hard and stayed up way too late.  Not sure what happened to the days I could party like a rock star and get up the next day feeling pretty good.  Now I have a 5 day hangovers.   My friend made me the wine glass below and of course force fed me wine all night.

I really had a great time.  After all that we are going through there are not many times where I loosen up and just enjoy myself.  It was much needed but I won’t be drinking like that for a long time.  I am hoping at least 10 months and that this FET works!

I know I am not supposed to be drinking during these cycles but come on you only turn 30 once right?

FET #2

We have officially started FET #2. We are trying for a natural cycle this time.  I will not be on any meds besides a trigger shot and PIO shots after transfer.  I chose to try this after a horrible experience after taking estrace for last FET.  I was extremely depressed and had the worst (going out for zebra cakes at 11pm) hungry horrors.  I put on 8lbs that cycle.  Not cool.  Which reminds me…..I think i need to go sugar free for a while.  Can you say 2.5 whoopie pies yesterday?  Gross.  Today I have a food hangover.  I am very excited for this FET and hope it is just what I need.  We will be transferring 2 embryos this time.  I gave eSET a try three times and we want to be more aggressive now.  I had my first monitoring appointment today!  Things are moving!

Strong Enough

Infertility Woes

I have good days and bad days.  Sometimes I manage to get through a few days with no tears.  Some days I wonder how I will ever get through this? Am I strong enough?  I ask myself am I selfish for feeling the way I do or for sheltering myself away from my friends with children?   Will I regret this?  I am only trying to save myself from pain.  It is a way of self preservation like that video said I posted about awhile ago.  I just got invited to two baby showers last week which I will have to regretfully decline the invite.  No one wants the lady who cries in the bathroom at their shower.   I could probably hold myself together but really all those onesies and baby talk will feel like another twist of the dagger.  Infertility has changed who I am.  For one thing I never used to cry.  Now I am happy if I week goes by with no tears.   It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time.  It has made me put myself first and to stop caring what other people think about certain things.

We had a wedding last weekend.  I have never felt so left out. There were about 5 babies there that were under the age of a year.  Topic of choice was pregnancy and everything baby related.  You can imagine me the infertile sitting at the end of the table pretending to do something on my phone while the ladies all conversed about their pregnancies.  No one looking my way because why would they? I don’t fit in.  I feel singled out.  Even my mother in law said something like “Isn’t their baby so cute?” and then apologized and said she needs to stop saying that stuff in front of me.  I am happy she understands but then on the other hand I am sad as it reminds me of what I don’t have and that we are different.

FET #2 Update

I started Provera Sunday and am only on 5 days of it.  So good old AF should be showing soon.  Tomorrow is my birthday and I would consider it a birthday gift if AF arrived because I know that transfer is that much closer!  We also got the letter approving the FET from insurance so another plus.   I wrote the first part of this post a few days ago.  I am actually feeling better today.  Things should be looking up. This one will work…..it just has to!  Or else I may go off my rocker!

Weekend

We have another Wedding this weekend but this time we are not staying over.  I may have over-served myself last weekend on both Friday and Saturday night.  I am still getting over my hangover!  This is why I don’t drink anymore. Hangovers from hell.  Since we were away the whole weekend I missed out on my early morning gym trips.  I did go early last Friday because I had it off.  There was a beautiful sunrise.  How can you not feel good going into the gym when you see this….

I should be able to make it this for an early morning session this weekend  or at least on Saturday.  I may even try to get the hubby up to go with me.  I have cut back on cardio this week and may continue to do so.  I don’t want anything to ruin my chances for a BFP this cycle!

The “Inbetweens” and a short week

FET #2 Update

I have pulled myself away from blogging the past few weeks.  Hell I have pulled myself away from everything and everyone I know.  I don’t even want to be around myself some days.  I am frustrated, sad and just ready for this journey to have a happy ending.  I think the “inbetweens” are some of the hardest times.  By “inbetweens” I mean inbetween IVFs and inbetween test results.  Is this a word? Probably not but that’s OK I am allowed to use it.  I find not preparing or planning for something is the hardest for me.  I find myself feeling a lot more depressed about IF then at other times.  I also find myself affected more by all the little things like the pregnant woman heating her food up next to me at work, the pregnancy tests on the end of the shampoo aisle or the fact that every time I  log onto facebook it’s another pregnancy or birth announcement. The past few times we have jumped into birth control to get ready for another cycle right after a failed one.   This time because of the testing I chose not to take them.  When I am not actively doing something I feel anxious and find myself thinking more about our failures.  Even if I am just on Birth control pills it feels like I am doing something.  Now there’s just a dull lull. Waiting…waiting…..

Source

Well the good news is I finally got some results back.  Both me and my husband’s karyotype test came back normal.  The biopsy…normal.  Now the question is then why does it keep on failing??? Also since this month was my first month taking nothing in six months guess what happens? nothing.  No ovulation and I am on day 30.  I have called the clinic and they will be putting me on pills to start my period and then we will be going into our FET cycle.

What I am looking forward to

Enough of the depressing stuff.  Good News is that I have a short week this week!  It has been a rough couple of weeks at work.  Very busy but we had Monday off for the holiday and I took off Friday. Yay Me!