I appreciate all the kind words. It really means a lot. I do believe I experienced a chemical which makes me believe I can get pregnant again…hopefully next time. Below is my very, very faint BFP that I got to see for one day. It’s one that you have to squint, angle your screen and stand upside down on one foot to see. But it was there.
As expected we got bad news today. Early this morning I went in for blood work. I usually chat with the nurse and after going in so many times they know me by name. On my way out she asked if I would be coming back for an ultrasound. My heart dropped. She probably assumed I was pregnant. I told her I wasn’t sure our next steps, got into my car and bawled my eyes out. There is always so much anticipation leading up to the “call.” Knowing it is negative I usually grieve days before and when I get the call I almost feel a weight lifted. Not that I am happy that it is negative but torture of not knowing is now over. I can grieve, move on and prepare for the next set of events. I never would have thought that I would have to go through so many IVF cycles. I have come to find taking it one day at a time is far easier than thinking we may have to go through one, two, three or who knows how many more. The Dr called to give me the news. She wants me to go in for an operational hysteroscopy. I will be going in the Thursday after Christmas. She also mentioned the possibility of PGD. She repeated that we make great embryos and she truly believes it WILL happen. She is not one to sugar coat things. Up next will either be FET #3 or IVF #3. Third times the charm right? Wait haven’t I said that before?
I planned to go to the gym today but my heart was just not in it. Since I have taken a few weeks off because of the FET, I am feeling lazy. Not very excited to get back to the gym. Hell, I am not excited about anything right now. But I know time will heal and we will try again. I am not giving up. My goal is to have some wine tonight, relax, maybe eat some junk food and hit the gym early tomorrow morning and and try getting back to my old self.
Wish I could come on here and say that I have good news…..unfortunately I don’t. Pretty sure #4 is a bust. After those weird twinges and all my cramps I woke up Tuesday with the worst headache and fever like symptoms. I did take test to see a very, very faint line. I felt pregnant and then something changed. I no longer felt pregnant. My body which had been having cramps, twinges, weird feelings in my uterus just felt nothing. Wednesday I took another test and it was negative. Today negative. Ever since then I am feeling back to normal. Possible Chemical? Maybe. I took yesterday off because I felt sick. I was nauseous, had a fever, sore throat and of course seeing the negative put me over the edge. I could not go in. Today I come in and one of my coworkers asks how I am feeling. I tell her I have had a fever and have not felt good all week. Some asshole over hears us and barks in “Pregnant? Haha” Seriously? As for what is next who knows? FET #3? A fresh IVF with PGP? More Testing? Donor sperm? Adoption? Beta is tomorrow and typically if our Dr is there she will call with the news. I hope she can suggest some next steps. Sigh. Heartbroken.
As the weekend winds down my stress levels are on the rise. My anxiety is only increasing as we get closer to the OTD. The Beta Test is on Friday and I took a half day. I figure if it is good news we will celebrate and if it is bad news I do not want the water works at the office. I will go in for blood work in the morning and will get the call some time after noon.
My transfer was on Tuesday and I spent Tuesday and Wednesday on my butt. This was my view for about 2 days straight.
Thursday we spent Thanksgiving with my family up North. It was good to get my mind off of things and I was antsy after two days of being a “couch potato.” My dad’s girlfriend cooked for us and it was our first Thanksgiving spent with my father in about 6 years. We usually spend it with my mom. Turkey looked perfect….
Friday and Saturday were filled with…..not a whole lot. Which brings me to today….5dp5dt or 10dpo. I did test today and yesterday only to see a BFN. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I am sure that this one worked the next I am almost in tears wondering what our next plan of action will be. I am scared. Not seeing a positive yet is making me more nervous. I know it is early. Too early to be worried. But I am still feeling down. My husband banned has made me promise not to test again till Wednesday. At that point I would be 8dp5dt and if it was going to be positive it would most likely show up by then. There are those rare cases where it takes a long time to show up but if I see a negative I will continue to test till Beta Day but I am going to assume this cycle was a bust. As far as symptoms, I have not had many. I was crampy day of transfer but that is because it took the doctor about 15 minutes to get everything situated. We went ahead and transferred two beautiful blasts. He did not give me the grade but here they are before they thawed……the “twins”
I think they did assisted hatching on them like they did last FET. It is kind of protocol for FETs at the clinic if they are not hatching already. Back to the symptoms…..I am bloated/full but that started around Thanksgiving when I started to stress eat. Pretty sure this just has to do with an increase in salt and carbs. I have had some “twinges,” cramps and weird pulsing sensations. I looked at last FET and I had the same cramps and twinges as I do now so that’s not anything promising. The only different feeling was the pulsing/poking on my left side but who knows I may have experienced it before. It happened once or twice yesterday and today a few times and does not last long. Maybe 10 to 15 flutters and then it disappears. I really can’t describe it but it is on left side further in then where my ovary is. Oddly enough I am feeling it right now. The thing is I am super sensitive to everything so any pain, pinch, ache could all be in my head. I have had no spotting, sore boobs, increased smells, etc. I am not sure what to think. I want this to be the cycle. I don’t think I can take another failed one. Now I have 3 sleeps till I get to test again. Hmmm…how will I make it?
My poor husband has had to bare the brunt of my haywire hormones. I have been on progesterone 4 days now plus the estrace which I have been on for a few weeks. I know I am being….well let’s face it….a bitch but I can’t stop myself. Between the hormones and the stress of another cycle I hardly want to be around myself. My stomach is in knots and I am scared. I feel like I need to cry but I can’t. I have moments that I really think this could be it and then other times I feel like it will fail again and that something else is wrong. We have no reason to believe IVF can’t work for us but because of our track record it feels like it won’t. It is the unknown that is the hardest part. At moments I want to give up, I want to throw in the towel, I want to take the easy out and just stop trying. I know that I won’t give up though. This need/want to be a mother is just too strong. Some days I think this emotional pain almost feels physical. My heart aches.
Saturday I spent the day with my best friend and her 8 month old. The friend that started trying after us. The one that will start trying for #2 this next year. It reiterated that fact of how much I want this. I sometimes am in awe that we have been trying so long. Like we are living in some dream world….or maybe in a nightmare. Don’t get me wrong. I have A LOT to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, a warm home, a loving family, a great dog and friends that truly care about me. So why do I feel like there is a hole….a missing piece? Why am I feeling so empty? OK. I am sure it’s the meds that aren’t exactly helping this situation but I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere. To get it all out. I needed to write that I am so scared of another failed cycle and I am scared of it never working.
On a more positive note….transfer is tomorrow!!! I can’t wait. I feel like we have been waiting for this day forever. Our appointment is at 9:30m and I hope I can get a good nights rest tonight. I can’t focus because of the anticipation! This week should be good. I am working today and do not have to go back to work till next Monday! I hope to keep busy or at least my mind busy by movies, books and anything I can do to keep me distracted. This is it….I am ready.
I went in this morning for my ultrasound not feeling so confident. I was up most of the night tossing and turning and worrying. I was worried about my lining and worried about the outcome of this FET. I am overly confident that this one will work because it just has to since the other three didn’t. I am scared if it does fail. But…..the good news is my lining was 9.3mm today!!! The clinic should call me this afternoon and let me know the transfer date. Depending when I start PIO transfer will be Sunday or Monday! Less than a week away! Wahoooo!
So far I have had no crazy food attacks on the Estrace. I have had some trouble sleeping, nausea, headaches and minor bloating. I feel like all of this is tolerable as as I don’t start getting really depressed or raiding the vending machine at work. I also have hope. Hope that this will be the one. That all our waiting, tears and pain will be worth it. That this is our turn. We will be transferring two this time. The past three have been single embryo transfers. We just feel we need to be more aggressive. It’s going to work, it’s going to work, it’s going to work. I feel like the little engine that could. Ha Ha! For inspiration, to keep me away from the fridge and just because I would love to be this ripped I keep this picture on my fridge. I am taking learning to take this one day at a time to keep my depression and mind in check. Now since I will be doing pretty much nothing transfer day and day after I need to find some things to keep me occupied. Any suggestions? Good Books? Movies? What do you do after transfer?
I have to share this really tasty recipe that I got from Oxygen Magazine. I made it last night for dinner and it was sooooo good. I only made a half portion because I was not sure what my husband was doing for dinner so of course I heard it all night from him how I didn’t make him any. Guess I should have made more! OK, I may have rubbed it in his face how good it was just a little! Here is the full recipe:
Sweet Potato Hash
1/2 c onion, chopped
1/2 c bell pepper, chopped (red/orange/yellow)
1 link chicken jalapeno sausage, diced
1/2 t ground cumin
1 sweet potato, shredded raw
Hot sauce (optional, but I definitely recommend it)
Salt and pepper, to taste
Additional spices I added: garlic powder, a bit of cinnamon and chili powder
Saute onion, peppers, sausage and cumin for 3 minutes, stirring frequently.
Add sweet potato and hot sauce and cook for 5 minutes. (I cooked it a little longer)
Remove and set aside.
Fry eggs .
Place eggs over hash and enjoy!
The final product…I added some reduced sugar ketchup too!
FET #2 Update
I went in for an ultrasound and blood work yesterday. I asked the Ultrasound tech what my lining was and she said it was “7 something.” Thanks for that range…… it could have been 7.1 or 7.9. Who knows? I guess I should have asked her to clarify but she was out of the room before I could. We need it to be at least 8 before they start me on progesterone and give me a transfer date. I go back in tomorrow for another monitoring appointment and I am hoping my lining will be at least 8! If everything is good tomorrow transfer day will be Sunday or Monday if not…..more waiting. I may be doing the lining dance tonight in hope to plump it up. (Plump isn’t the cutest word, I know).
My friend who knows what we are going through gave me a very special gift for my birthday. It is a dream box. I have never heard of one before and although I typically don’t believe in these types of things thought it would still be nice to try. You put your fondest dream or greatest desire on a piece of paper and put it in the dreambox. You put the dreambox next to your bed and are supposed to hold it every night and every morning. Who knows maybe it will work and I will see that BFP at the end of November!!!
FET #2 Update
Yesterday was quite stressful. I went in for blood work and ultrasound at 6:45am. There was no change so I knew the cycle would either be cancelled or converted to a medicated cycle. Typically the clinic calls me between 12-2pm with the results but they have till 5:30 to call. So I wait….and wait…4pm rolls around and still nothing. I end up calling and leaving a message. I didn’t hear from anyone until 4:45. Great news….they are putting me on estrace 1mg twice a day and I go back in on Monday for another ultrasound and more blood work. If my lining is at least 8mm than I will start PIO and transfer would be 5 days after. SO I could be doing transfer as early as next Friday! I am not getting too excited because 1mg is pretty low and I may not be up to 8mm by then. Yesterday my lining was at 6.5mm. I still can’t believe we are so close to another transfer. It has been 2 months since my last transfer and it has felt like 2 years. Transfer day just get here soon!