I have slowly been dealing with all the emotions that come from a failed IVF cycle. I keep going from being angry to being sad. Some moments I am fine and then all of a sudden the sadness hits. I am sure this time of year doesn’t help. The holidays seem to revolve around children. This is the time of year that that void seems so much bigger. I have been asking myself why this is happening. Why do I feel like I am being punished? I am sick of the surgeries, injections, appointments, blood work, fears, physical and emotional pain and of course all the tears and heartache. I want my life back. I don’t like to use hate but I hate that they have no reason why this isn’t working for us. I hate that if we were a “normal” couple we would probably be trying for our a second child right now. But we’re not. We still don’t even have our first. At this point I would give my left arm just to have one child. I am sick of feeling sad. I am sick of feeling like I am out of place. I am just sick of feeling like this but most of all I am sick of not having what comes so naturally to others.
We got our tree early this year. We had a big hole in our living room where the fuse ball table used to be. We sold it because it was basically just a coat rack. Well we definitely learned something from going to pick out a tree early. It is not a good idea to go on their first day open. We pretty much have a Charlie Brown tree. All the trees were wrapped up when we got there because they had just opened. What we thought looked to be a nice big tree when they unwrapped it ended up being a not so full, drunk person trimmed it, crooked top looking tree. We tossed some garland, ornaments and lights on the thing and called it a day. It is a bit skimpy in the garland and light area. This will be the second Christmas that we have struggled with trying to have a child. To be honest, I just want this year to be over. This has been probably the worst year of my life. I am happy for that because it is almost over and it can only go up from here. 2013 will either bring us a pregnancy, baby or a soon to be adopted child. I can only go though so many more cycles. Hubby is 11 years older then me so we really don’t have a lot of time. We are considering looking into adoption next year. I figure I will only have about 2-3 more IVFs in me before I give up and move on. The thing is with IVF it knocks you down and only when you are staggering back to your feet is when you are hit with another cycle and knocked back down. I am tired of this game. My life revolves around IVF. I want to be happy again and I want my heart not to feel so heavy. I know that having a positive attitude can make any situation better but sometimes we just have to give in and mourn. Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment with my Dr. Hopefully she will give us our next steps and let us know about the costs of PGD. I just hope we get some answers soon.
I appreciate all the kind words. It really means a lot. I do believe I experienced a chemical which makes me believe I can get pregnant again…hopefully next time. Below is my very, very faint BFP that I got to see for one day. It’s one that you have to squint, angle your screen and stand upside down on one foot to see. But it was there.
As expected we got bad news today. Early this morning I went in for blood work. I usually chat with the nurse and after going in so many times they know me by name. On my way out she asked if I would be coming back for an ultrasound. My heart dropped. She probably assumed I was pregnant. I told her I wasn’t sure our next steps, got into my car and bawled my eyes out. There is always so much anticipation leading up to the “call.” Knowing it is negative I usually grieve days before and when I get the call I almost feel a weight lifted. Not that I am happy that it is negative but torture of not knowing is now over. I can grieve, move on and prepare for the next set of events. I never would have thought that I would have to go through so many IVF cycles. I have come to find taking it one day at a time is far easier than thinking we may have to go through one, two, three or who knows how many more. The Dr called to give me the news. She wants me to go in for an operational hysteroscopy. I will be going in the Thursday after Christmas. She also mentioned the possibility of PGD. She repeated that we make great embryos and she truly believes it WILL happen. She is not one to sugar coat things. Up next will either be FET #3 or IVF #3. Third times the charm right? Wait haven’t I said that before?
I planned to go to the gym today but my heart was just not in it. Since I have taken a few weeks off because of the FET, I am feeling lazy. Not very excited to get back to the gym. Hell, I am not excited about anything right now. But I know time will heal and we will try again. I am not giving up. My goal is to have some wine tonight, relax, maybe eat some junk food and hit the gym early tomorrow morning and and try getting back to my old self.
Wish I could come on here and say that I have good news…..unfortunately I don’t. Pretty sure #4 is a bust. After those weird twinges and all my cramps I woke up Tuesday with the worst headache and fever like symptoms. I did take test to see a very, very faint line. I felt pregnant and then something changed. I no longer felt pregnant. My body which had been having cramps, twinges, weird feelings in my uterus just felt nothing. Wednesday I took another test and it was negative. Today negative. Ever since then I am feeling back to normal. Possible Chemical? Maybe. I took yesterday off because I felt sick. I was nauseous, had a fever, sore throat and of course seeing the negative put me over the edge. I could not go in. Today I come in and one of my coworkers asks how I am feeling. I tell her I have had a fever and have not felt good all week. Some asshole over hears us and barks in “Pregnant? Haha” Seriously? As for what is next who knows? FET #3? A fresh IVF with PGP? More Testing? Donor sperm? Adoption? Beta is tomorrow and typically if our Dr is there she will call with the news. I hope she can suggest some next steps. Sigh. Heartbroken.
Last Wednesday we had our WTF appointment with the Dr. She still believes it’s just bad luck and IVF WILL work for us. We had blood work taken for karyotype testing and I go back next Monday for another Sonohystogram and a biopsy. I feel like I have lost a lot of faith not with the Dr. but that IVF will ever work for us. This failed cycle has caused more grieving than the first two. I always heard most people get pregnant within three cycles. Now I am scared. Scared we will never have children. The emotions that a failed IVF causes are almost debilitating. I am angry, sad, bitter and discouraged. I want to believe it will work but I just feel otherwise. Usually at this point I am very positive and ready for the next cycle. I am not feeling that this time. Our next cycle most likely will be a Frozen Embryo Transfer and we are going to do a natural cycle. We have 7 embryos just waiting so unless we find chromosomal issues we will be going this route.
Something that makes me happy…..fall and pumpkin spice coffee. I think I am going to put a list together of goals for Fall. We probably won’t be cycling again till November so I have some time to lose some of this IVF weight and focus on non-IVF stuff. Operation Get Healthy will be underway.
Dr. V left a message this morning to let us know she saw the results of this weekend. She said she saw the embryo we transferred which was perfect so she wants us to do a karyotype test which is a blood test for both of us for chromosomal abnormalities. It takes about 3 weeks to get the results. I don’t think she was aware that I had already made my WTF appointment for Wednesday but I am happy she is starting to look into further testing. I am hoping we can get the blood work done this week so we are not extending our next round whatever it may be. At the end of the call she said “I am thinking of you both” which was enough to bring on the water works. I really like our doctor and she is very caring. I really hope this next round works and we don’t have to move on to another clinic.
Today was totally a “me” day. We didn’t get home from the concert till real late so I have been a zombie all day. I have been researching this karyotype testing and other testing that can be done. I have also been reading, prepping my meals for the week, whipping up some salsa and pretty much avoiding doing anything that takes an effort. I made some of my homemade salsa and made some Papaya and Mango Salsa as well. I have yet to try it so I don’t want to post any recipes yet. I usually do some taste testing while I am preparing but after the Fried Dough last night (that I failed to mention) we inhaled, I was feeling a bit sick this morning. This is just a shot of the homemade salsa. It takes a long time to make and now that our tomatoes in our garden have gone bye bye I think it will be the last time I make it for awhile