I have slowly been dealing with all the emotions that come from a failed IVF cycle. I keep going from being angry to being sad. Some moments I am fine and then all of a sudden the sadness hits. I am sure this time of year doesn’t help. The holidays seem to revolve around children. This is the time of year that that void seems so much bigger. I have been asking myself why this is happening. Why do I feel like I am being punished? I am sick of the surgeries, injections, appointments, blood work, fears, physical and emotional pain and of course all the tears and heartache. I want my life back. I don’t like to use hate but I hate that they have no reason why this isn’t working for us. I hate that if we were a “normal” couple we would probably be trying for our a second child right now. But we’re not. We still don’t even have our first. At this point I would give my left arm just to have one child. I am sick of feeling sad. I am sick of feeling like I am out of place. I am just sick of feeling like this but most of all I am sick of not having what comes so naturally to others.
We got our tree early this year. We had a big hole in our living room where the fuse ball table used to be. We sold it because it was basically just a coat rack. Well we definitely learned something from going to pick out a tree early. It is not a good idea to go on their first day open. We pretty much have a Charlie Brown tree. All the trees were wrapped up when we got there because they had just opened. What we thought looked to be a nice big tree when they unwrapped it ended up being a not so full, drunk person trimmed it, crooked top looking tree. We tossed some garland, ornaments and lights on the thing and called it a day. It is a bit skimpy in the garland and light area. This will be the second Christmas that we have struggled with trying to have a child. To be honest, I just want this year to be over. This has been probably the worst year of my life. I am happy for that because it is almost over and it can only go up from here. 2013 will either bring us a pregnancy, baby or a soon to be adopted child. I can only go though so many more cycles. Hubby is 11 years older then me so we really don’t have a lot of time. We are considering looking into adoption next year. I figure I will only have about 2-3 more IVFs in me before I give up and move on. The thing is with IVF it knocks you down and only when you are staggering back to your feet is when you are hit with another cycle and knocked back down. I am tired of this game. My life revolves around IVF. I want to be happy again and I want my heart not to feel so heavy. I know that having a positive attitude can make any situation better but sometimes we just have to give in and mourn. Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment with my Dr. Hopefully she will give us our next steps and let us know about the costs of PGD. I just hope we get some answers soon.