Strong Enough

Infertility Woes

I have good days and bad days.  Sometimes I manage to get through a few days with no tears.  Some days I wonder how I will ever get through this? Am I strong enough?  I ask myself am I selfish for feeling the way I do or for sheltering myself away from my friends with children?   Will I regret this?  I am only trying to save myself from pain.  It is a way of self preservation like that video said I posted about awhile ago.  I just got invited to two baby showers last week which I will have to regretfully decline the invite.  No one wants the lady who cries in the bathroom at their shower.   I could probably hold myself together but really all those onesies and baby talk will feel like another twist of the dagger.  Infertility has changed who I am.  For one thing I never used to cry.  Now I am happy if I week goes by with no tears.   It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time.  It has made me put myself first and to stop caring what other people think about certain things.

We had a wedding last weekend.  I have never felt so left out. There were about 5 babies there that were under the age of a year.  Topic of choice was pregnancy and everything baby related.  You can imagine me the infertile sitting at the end of the table pretending to do something on my phone while the ladies all conversed about their pregnancies.  No one looking my way because why would they? I don’t fit in.  I feel singled out.  Even my mother in law said something like “Isn’t their baby so cute?” and then apologized and said she needs to stop saying that stuff in front of me.  I am happy she understands but then on the other hand I am sad as it reminds me of what I don’t have and that we are different.

FET #2 Update

I started Provera Sunday and am only on 5 days of it.  So good old AF should be showing soon.  Tomorrow is my birthday and I would consider it a birthday gift if AF arrived because I know that transfer is that much closer!  We also got the letter approving the FET from insurance so another plus.   I wrote the first part of this post a few days ago.  I am actually feeling better today.  Things should be looking up. This one will work… just has to!  Or else I may go off my rocker!


We have another Wedding this weekend but this time we are not staying over.  I may have over-served myself last weekend on both Friday and Saturday night.  I am still getting over my hangover!  This is why I don’t drink anymore. Hangovers from hell.  Since we were away the whole weekend I missed out on my early morning gym trips.  I did go early last Friday because I had it off.  There was a beautiful sunrise.  How can you not feel good going into the gym when you see this….

I should be able to make it this for an early morning session this weekend  or at least on Saturday.  I may even try to get the hubby up to go with me.  I have cut back on cardio this week and may continue to do so.  I don’t want anything to ruin my chances for a BFP this cycle!

9 thoughts on “Strong Enough

    • Kim says:

      I just saw your posting 😦 I’m so sorry. I have been there way too many times and I feel like each failure gets harder. I keep telling myself the way I feel can only be temporary. There will be an end some way or another. I hope you get a good surprise beta day but if not that the FET does the trick.

  1. Courtney says:

    Happy birthday (tomorrow)! I hope the OB (I no longer call it AF) makes her apperance for you!

    Here’s the deal (and I’m sharing this from the survivor’s perspective) – you will regret some of your actions later – but that is not worth worrying about right now. You do what you need to do to protect YOURSELF. Sure, you’ll look back and regret not doing this or that (I just wrote about this yesterday, in fact), but the truth is – no matter what you do – you’ll have regrets later. If you hang out with your friends with kids, it may hurt you, and you will likely regret putting yourself in that situation. If you go to baby showers (I NEVER did while TTC) and sob the whole time, you’ll regret letting yourself be so sad away from the comfort of your own home. There is regret in every choice we make – so you make the choice that makes the most sense for YOU right NOW.

    Kim, I believe in my core that you are going to be a mother soon. You don’t have to believe it, because I know it’s hard and honestly – believing it won’t make it so. You let all of US believe it for you and you go through whatever emotions you need to to get from day to day. We are all holding you up. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how you’re doing and hope you’re having a good day. Your story reminds me so much of ours – and I just believe deep down that your journey is going to be over very soon. I will keep believing that!

    I hope you have a fabulous weekend. Make sure you do something FUN! Good on you for cutting out of the wedding early – make the weekend about YOU!

  2. talesofacautiousoptimist says:

    I’m sorry you were having a rough day, but glad to see by posting time you were feeling a bit better. Happy belated birthday! We are both Libras…my 30th was yesterday (21st). Hope you got the celebration you deserve 🙂

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